What Would Chelsea Do?

The school year of 2019-2020 has finally begun. For some, it is the beginning of their high school journey, for others, such as myself, it is the conclusive chapter. This article was created to help out the former, so take notes if you’d like!

Situation: You are a freshman and it is your first month at Trinity High School, congratulations! By now, you’ve most likely become acquainted with the whole “high school business:” you know where all your classes are, you know who’s in all of your classes, and the lunch table clans have all been settled. Life is normal, but there is still something that seems to lurk behind every corner and inside every room. They are loud, rowdy, and are out for freshmen blood. The other freshmen cower in fear when only their name is merely spoken: Seniors… So, what would Chelsea do?

Solution: I pride myself in my profession of “student field biology,” and I just so happen to be an expert in senior-ology! We’ll begin with the basics. Seniors have been enrolled in the school for the longest time and are therefore the oldest group of students in the school. Their behaviors are different compared to the other classes because of a disorder commonly known as Senioritis. This dopamine deficiency disease is most common among seniors and it causes them to feel like they deserve to relax instead of putting in their full effort. This has been observed to cause seniors to act irrationally around underclassmen. 

Why am I telling you all this? Because it is pivotal to training your very own senior! That’s right, these beasts can be trained! So why would you want to train a senior? Well, here is a short pros/cons list:

Pros: Seniors have the best advice for school; seniors can be intimidating to bullies; you get some automatic cool-points for having a pet senior; if you’re small enough and the senior is large enough, you can ride on their back (Please do not try this at home)!

 Cons: Seniors are the most difficult upperclassmen breed to train.

With enough dedication and care, you can train any senior! The most important piece of advice I can give you is that not all seniors are the same. Each senior has their own personalities, hobbies, and interests, so you may have to adapt to train certain individuals. But this guide will give you the general approach to take for all seniors.

To start, the best way to a senior’s heart is through food! All seniors love food, so if you reward them for good behavior with treats, they will certainly come around to liking you. This is a good place to start, but food alone won’t domesticate these beasts! 

We now will enter more demanding training strategies. Another tried and tested strategy is to learn what it is the senior likes and try to talk to them about it. If your senior says they like music, ask them what type of music they like. If your senior likes dinosaurs, ask them about their favorite dinosaur. 

But without a doubt, humor is the best way to gain a senior’s trust. However, humor can be very challenging to master, because not all seniors have the same humor style. To optimize your comedy, I recommend observing your chosen senior for some time. Try not to interact with them, and see what makes them laugh in their natural environment. Then try to replicate it to get maximum trust!

One strategy I do not recommend is to try and overpower a senior. If you try to show how cool you are or how much tougher you are compared to them, your training will end in disaster. This is where seniors become dangerous! If you try and assert your dominance, they will mock you and will overpower you! If this does occur, it is probably best to try and restart or give up entirely on that senior.

Just remember: food, talk, laugh. There are an endless number of possibilities and combinations that you can employ in training your senior, but those three are the core, fundamental ideas to all strategies. Seniors can be intimidating, and senior training can be incredibly challenging at times, but with this guide, you are already ahead of the curve when it comes to mastering the art of training seniors!

Good luck, and stay awesome!


Dinosaur Fun Fact of the Month!

The spiked tail of members of Stegosauridae are known as “Thagomizers!”